I was never wrong about the lonely weekend.

I will stay in for breakfast and stuff my self with an oat bar. A 1.80 lunch of rice and two vegetables opposite my HDB. And a dinner with friends, if they comply or time is friendly to me.

The Saturday morning sun will shine on my three months unwashed bed sheet from this only window in my rented room, at least that's when I will wake up and drag my self to the toilet. And a disciplined weekend begins. Today is the first weekend where I worked on my assignments, compare to the usual where I surf the web unproductively.

It felt good, at least I know I don't need to rush ten journal entries in one shot in the wee hours of the submission deadline.

For the Saturday night dinner, I usually go to the central for some wallet damage worthy food, like Manpuku Gourmet Food Town. I make it a point to go there once a week, normally a Saturday night to satisfy my pallet with food that I want, not just food that I need of the week.

For a Sunday lunch, I will travel far to town. Food republic Nasi Lemak is my favourite. Or I shall explore for something else tomorrow.

My new classmates seems segregated still. With each of the four corners of the classroom belonging to a certain class, except the front wall belongs to the lecturer and his huge projection screen. I guess the ice will melt soon as us the particle disintegrate. With us now saying hi and bye when class ends to classmate that we dont not know their names is a good start I guess. It wont be impossible to add a few more words after that to spark a conversation.

I have know some wonderful people for a good six month, at least it makes school more meaningful in its non educational value. I am just waiting for that moment to happen in this class, are my other classmates waiting too?

But I still think the lonely weekends are here to stay, bleh.

back home

It has been a dull 16 days sitting in front of my VAIO, staring into the glaring screen and trying to stumble upon something interesting in between the layers of websites and clusters of annoying pop up ads.

16 days away from a tiny island full of new made but true friends who will never keep my intentional or unintentional mistakes in debt and always treat me better. There are a friendly bunch and I do admit I must learn how to preserve these wonderful friendship before it set sail into a storm of loose bonds and becoming people I knew like the situation which I dread in Malaysia.

It feels lighter on the brain, nerve and shoulder to be away from the battlefield, a healthy battlefield. In contrary to my heart and my ever conscious and sensitive emotions which will always be heavy. My playful emotions will never fail to bring my thoughts to the next level of depression when I will reflect on the people and friends here at home, the difference which grew larger and the fact that I am not very visible to them anymore.

I always wonder what is so great about initiation. Does it matter who ask who out first? Or who talk to who first? Fill in the blanks of the who and what to fit your situation. It really got me thinking deeply whether does this matter worth much of my depress self or not. I have been living in a stubborn illusion, I always believe people who talk to me first, or ask me out first means they care and remember me, if they doesn't, means they don't. Feel free to correct my stubbornness. If there was an outing and I wasn't invited, I will feel that I am forgotten. I am sure any other person feels the same, but is there anything we can do about it? But after meeting people, its definitely harder to keep them, what more when one side feels left out? Its such a disappointment.

If we seems invincible, unwanted or just unimportant to our circle of friends? Is it time address your self that you are facing a big trouble like the recession? I stubbornly concluded that its up to my third eye, my thoughts. We will have the usual left out and disappointment playing a fool on us. But at the same time I realize that I have drifted so far from them. Is either I patch it up or continue to rant about it. At the same time to judge for my self whether do they really remember me? This is very judgmental actually, which will lead narrow minded people to misunderstandings.

It was on my 18th birthday and it was great materialistically with an Iphone. But the other wise, the things you do with your friends, for example a surprise party, or going out for a simple meal with a little cake and birthday song, or a giant card full of heart written contents. Those was missing from my 18th birthday, so it was on my 17th the last year.

I may sound selfish for expecting such an affair, but even a little birthday cake by my friends with the candles not totaled up to 18 is memorable enough. But I believe being busy is always the best reason in defense, even your closest ones will make good use of that too. Because its a reason you can't blame them on and one of the best reason to get away with.

I wonder who really still keep me in their heart and mind. Because time and distance is slowly making me a hi-bye friend.

This kind of insecurity, gets into me and you.

Okay, I am done being controversial.